steph_uh_kneee

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 19:07:33 GMT

This is seriously the worst semester/couple of months of my entire life without a doubt. Like first the whole party incident, my uncle just died, my grandma who I absolutely adore has been diagnosed with breast cancer, school is honestly kicking my butt, I can't handle it anymore. Like I always thought that when God made bad things happen to me, he did it because he knew I could handle it. He knows that it takes a lot to bring me down and get me upset, but I've just about had it. I no longer know what the bright side of a situation is because I haven't seen the bright side in so long. I just had a bio exam that I did not know one answer to. I studied at the library yesterday from 12-8 took a break to eat dinner, went to the tech center from 9-3 a.m., went to sleep, skipped my class this morning to study from 9-1220 and I still literally did not know one answer. Like wtf! Give me a fucking break God. Let something good happen for once because it's starting to come to the point where I have no hope in anything at all anymore.

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 21:53:00 GMT

I hate this so much. I'm absolutely petrified to go to a party or go out ever again. Why the hell did this have to happen to me? What did I ever do to deserve this? There's no one I can talk to and no one who understands what I'm going through right now. I've never felt more alone in my entire life. Is this how the rest of my college experience is going to go? Me sitting at home everyngiht while my roommates go out and have fun. They tell me they understand, but they don't. It isn't possible unless what happened to me happened to them. I want to talk to my mom about it so bad, but I just know it would break her heart to hear that something bad had happened to me. I just really don't know what to do at all.

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 22:32:17 GMT

I haven't been this sick in such a long time.

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 00:31:41 GMT

I'm driving myself insane!

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:34:11 GMT

Winter break is almost over and it's really strange because I've only been home for a month, but I think I've realized more about myself now than I haven within my entire existence. I've finally come to terms with growing up. Being home has made me realize that this isn't my home anymore. Jackson is no longer where my life proceeds. The people here aren't my family anymore and they aren't the people who see and know me day by day. Of course there are a select few people that I love in this town and would die if they weren't in my life, but for the most part, it wouldn't phase me if I never saw anyone here ever again. Being away at school has made me realize I don't miss anyone or thing here. Why should I waste my time trying to keep up a charade if I'm not bothered by it when it's gone. The people I have met within the last year and a half have become my safe haven. They are the people who will be at my wedding. They are the one's I will email in years to come making play dates with our children. Not the people in Jackson. I finally realize that I don't miss it here and yes while it is nice to be home..I'm ready to live the rest of my life. I'm no longer living in the past and letting things that happened way back when effect me. This town has treated me well for the past 20 years and has given me some great memories and I love everything about it, but I'm ready to move on. I just hope wherever I'm led to next can provide the same happieness for me.

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 14:53:01 GMT

I DIDN'T FAIL BIOLOGY

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:05:46 GMT

I'm so upset and stressed and dissapointed in myself right now. It's finals week so that's expected, but it's never been like this before. I might fail biology and I can't grab that. I've never failed a class in my entire life before I can't fail this class. My final for it yesterday was SO HARD. Like I've never taken a final that hard before in my entire life. I just can't do this anymore. Sometimes I really wonder and second guess whether school is really for me. I'm just so unhappy here sometimes. And it's not the surroundings or the people. I love philly and my friends here SO much, it's just that the classes and stuff is sometimes just too much for me to handle.

On a second note my roommate Brittany and I have become SO close. I've never become this close with anyone this fast in my life. Like I'm really upset that this semester is almost over just because I won't see her everyday anymore. We're applying for jobs in philly on Thursday for winter break though, so hopefully we'll both be here the majority of the time.

Last week we drove to Trenton at 3 in the morning to meet up with Mo, Tim, and Mike. It was the first time I've seen Mo since the middle of August before I went on vacation. Idk what's going on with us now, but we're good I think. I just don't know if I can be with him while I'm at school. I'm too busy and stressed during the semesters to worry about a long distance relationship but I really do care about him a lot and I'm glad we're talking a lot more now. Guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens over winter break. One more final and 2 papers to hand in till I'm done. I've never been so excited for a semester to end before.

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 15:15:00 GMT

It's my birthdaaayyy! Goddamn I love my birthday so much. I had a party at my house saturday and it was so much fun. My roommates this year are honestly the best people ever. OH AND LESS THAN 2 WEEKS TILL THIS SEMESTER IS OVER!

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 16:40:16 GMT

Next semester is going to be a huge turn around for me. I really need to get my act together. I need to get another job so I can at least help to pay my rent and NEED to get all A's in my classes. I know college is supposed to be a social time to meet friends and whatnot, but I'm pretty much going to be in hiding because what I'm doing this semester isn't working out. My birthday is in a week which is exciting and I don't think I'm going home over winter break because I'm going to get a job here in Philly. Hopefully everything will work out.

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 17:17:58 GMT

I've never been more stressed and overwhelmed in my life.

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 15:41:49 GMT

I never write in this thing anymore. I've been so busy lately, but I'm happy. I got initiated into the sorority yesterday so that's pretty cool and weird at the same time. I don't really see myself as the typical sorority girl, but I like it a lot so I'm gunna stick with it. This semester is so hard, it's definitely going to bring my gpa down and I'm really pissed about that, but oh well. I got accepted into my study abroad program. Australia Summer 09 here I come!

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 18:21:29 GMT

I've been in Jackson all weekend and it's been great. I really do love this town and couldn't imagine growing up anywhere else. I hung out with Tatiana and Kellie last night and I seriously love those girls. None of my roomates know Tatiana, but I'm constantly talking about her and how much I miss her and last night when I was with her my friend Dan texted me and said "have fun with tatiana tonight. i know you've been missing her" You really are one of my best friends girl and I'm so grateful for that because I couldn't imagine it any other way. You're one of the only people I can actually be my complete self around without worrying whether that will turn you away or not since I'm so dang weird and I hope we stay this close for a really really long time. Mah Gurl Fa Lyfe<3

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 14:15:23 GMT

Everything is seriously going so great right now, I couldn't ask for anything better. I have an amazing job working in an elementary school with kids and I can't wait till we can actually start going into the schools in October and can stop all this lame training! I joined a sorority and all the girls are so awesome. Delta Zeta<3! I'm applying for an internship in the spring working for animal care in the Philadelphia Zoo and I really really really hope I get it because that would be SOOO much fun. I'm also applying to study abroad this summer in Australia and I'm so excited about that too. The girls I'm living with are absolutely amazing. No one fights, everyone gets along great. This weekend was great, this week is going to suck though. FUCK EXAMSSSSSS! But idk, this is definitely going to be a really great year and I'm so happy about that because I knew it all along.

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 15:34:33 GMT

I moved in on Thursday and everything has been great so far. Minus the awful hangover I had ALL day yesterday. Fuck my life. I'm so happy and excited to see how this year plays out. Oh, and I saw Kyle last night and Mmmm, mad love for that boy. Although he was less cute so I was dissapointed.

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 21:07:34 GMT

California was absolutely amazing. It was so beautiful and so much fun, I cannot wait to go back. I got to see Nancy while I was there too which was a definite plus. I'm moving back to school tomorrow which I'm also really excited about. I'm kind of upset that I have such a short amount of time between vacation and school because I really wanted to see some people a couple more times, but it's not the end of the world. I'm really looking forward to this year so much. Something in me just tells me that this year is going to be one to remember.

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 15:16:53 GMT

I moved into my apartment yesterday and I love it. It's really small for the amount of people living in it, but we're decorating it so nice and I'm so happy with the way everything is turning out. This year is going to be so great, I can just tell. Oh and in less than 24 hours I will be in CALIFORNIA! :D

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 02:52:01 GMT

I got my babe <3

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 02:20:57 GMT

I really do love Jackson. This has been the best summer so far with the best friends and I haven't really let anything get to me TOO bad. I'm looking forward to going back to school so much, but I'm still going to miss this little shithole I live in and the scummy people that are staying here. It's going to be weird when I go to my first party back in philly and random people like Rob Etling and Bob aren't there. I'm gunna missssssssssss it.

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 19:01:10 GMT

You can't not talk to me for a whole day and think that's okay.

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 05:10:37 GMT

This is defnitely the best summer I've had so far, no doubt about it. My friends are all so great. Everyone get's along, there's never any drama, I love it. Tomorrow I take my finals for my summer classes and then they are finished!! Finally. :] Then I'm going to Maryland to see friends from school and Kellie's coming with me. It's going to be nice to get away for a few days and not have to work or anything. Oh and I like a boyyyyy and he likes me and this has actually been going on for over a year now I was just too afraid to do anything about it but not anymore!!!! :]

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 23:27:41 GMT

I'm currently reading the book "Eat Pray Love" and it's so interesting. In it there's this passage and it says:

I keep remembering my Guru's teachings about happiness. She says that people universally tend to thing that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state if happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimmming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat ontop of it. If you don't, you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments.

I don't agree with that at all. I have never EVER worked hard to be happy. Maybe I'm just blessed, but I've always thought I was too happy all the time. I mean sure I get down every once in a while, I'm only human, but sometimes I'm just so happy I feel like I could walk on water or fly because I feel lighter than air. Sometimes it's so hard to explain how happy I am all the time because I'm not sure everyone feels like that. I have never had to look for happiness or fight to keep it going. I never prayed to be happy and I'm pretty sure I never will. Maybe I'm just an extremely lucky girl and this really is how it is for some people and if that's the case I'm so grateful because to feel anything other than this all the time wouldn't make me as excited as I am to live my life.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 02:36:30 GMT

This has me so down in the dumps, but then i hear about you being pregnant and it makes me realize that i don't have it so bad afterall.

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 03:44:49 GMT

Today I was talking to this lady I work with who had breast cancer. She only just finished chemo not too long ago so her hair is still really short and stuff. It was incredible listening to her talk and it really made me realize how much I take for granted. I always forget that anything could happen at any given time and that my life may not be as long as I think. It's terrible.

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 01:49:03 GMT

I seriously cannot wait to get the fuck back to school and out of this town. I'm so fed up with Jackson and it's inhabitants. Seriously, I guess I forgot we graduated from highschool over a year ago since that's how everyone here fucking act! Like seriously, I do something, and the whole town knows about it less than 24 hours later. What the hell?! Idk how people like Miley Cyrus do it. That poor girl. All she ever did is take a simple picture and her world gets turned around and the whole US rags on her for it. I could never do it. Having half of Jackson rag on me for something I didn't even do is enough. Ugh get me out of here.

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 13:41:41 GMT

I keep having crazy dreams about you and I always wake up crying. This is the most ridiculous thing ever. I had a dream last night that it was the 4th of July and everyone was on some field watching fire works and everyone was with someone else except for me and you. For some reason we were sitting by ourselves. But even though you were all alone, you still wouldn't come to me. This is getting out of control. I can't do this.